Reality

I really don't need anyone to put me down. I know it myself. If you don't like it, why do you think I or others will like it? I detest it when people look down on me, doubt my capabilities. Is it a joke to you? Have it occur to you that you're in my shoes, and will you like it if I say or do those things that you did to me? I am sure the answer is no. Then, why are you doing this to me?! I stick to my principle of 'treat othSoers the way you want others to treat you '..this statement has been with me when I was in primary school. I treat my friends well in the sense I don't put them down. You know the feeling of being looked down?! It just makes you so small. You've no idea what's going through my mind. How I feel. I'm starting to take a step back. I used to defend for myself, argue back. But I don't now. It's futile. Meaningless. I feel tired too. Judge me all you want. Look down on me, so be it. I am that lousy untrustworthy, not up to standard, so be it. Just do you want. Like I've said before, if you my friends even know I say this, when I stop arguing or defending, I have given up. What's worst is, I got no one to turn to. You guys are busy with your life. I don't blame you guys for that. Poly is hard. Wide social circles. Remember the promise we made to meet up once every 2-3 weeks, exam period at least once per month? It has probably became once every six months. How pathetic. I tried to plan outings, but I just don't get replies. How is it so you want me to have a common time for meet up? I encourage you guys for your exams. I don't even get a reply of thanks. I mean, I don't really need that thanks. I just want you know that I'll always be there supporting rooting for you guys. I don't have the acknowledgement. I don't wanna force people to listen to my ranting too. Who is there that really care? I am very sensitive about having a listening ear. The ears that lead to the heart. I see 'do I look like I care'. Sorry, I shouldn't have forced you to listen to my rubbish nonsense. Just keep to myself. When I retweeted that, I'm not replying you or giving you an answer, I'm feeling the same and asking myself why is that so. Not the same frequency? Never mind.. I have lost the excitement of talking to people. Putting on a facade, tricking everyone. No, no one actually knows me. Cos I don't even know myself. The barriers are built. The walls are there. Tearing them down would mean breaking up. Whatever it is. Never mind.